I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
