Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
