perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
