sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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