Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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