Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
