I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
