i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
