i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Randomize
