so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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