I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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