At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Randomize
