just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Randomize
