I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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