His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
