If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
