My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
