kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
