when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
