in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Randomize
