by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
