he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Randomize
