nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
So many bounce houses so little time
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
