I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize