So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Randomize
