Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
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