How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
