I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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