Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
