If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
