Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize