people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
