I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
