I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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