when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
