I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
