Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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