Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
