People in love make me want to vomit
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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