hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
