Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
