Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
