I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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