Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
