I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
