Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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