So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
