you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
