sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
