Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
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What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
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I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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