You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
