It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
