If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
