You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
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