I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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