Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
