My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
